‘Tis the season – to stress out over holiday cards!

Every year I am presented with a myriad of overwhelming choices of how to properly represent my family to people I only communicate with once a year, while maintaining the proper decorum (non-show-off-edness) to people that we see on the regular. I adore my family and am so proud of all of their accomplishments and who they are becoming. Thus the challenge! We want to put our best foot forward without crossing the line into bragging territory, while being inundated with ALL of the options out there for holiday cards!! It’s a lot! As I sit down to take stock of the year, and begin wading through the plethora of choices, I can quickly become overwhelmed.

As I’ve mentioned before, as an aspiring photographer, the pressure to have the ideal photographs of my cherubs presented to the world is REAL! And how best to rep those pics that I labored over? Multi-photo layout or single? Color photos or a more artsy approach in black & white? Soft focus? Foil card? Foil envelope? Family letter? Photo captions? Sentimental? Silly? ALL OF THE ABOVE?!?! Good news, there are only approximately 4 gazillion options to choose from!!! (Oh, and also don’t forget that simultaneously your kids schools have scheduled roughly 2/3 of their yearly activities for this month and you have family gatherings and gifts to organize and traditions to uphold!) “Smile!“

<sigh>

What I would like to propose is a different approach. Fewer choices, more realistic. (More sarcastic!)

Ladies and gents, I give you – “Cards For Reals” – my fake but fantastic holiday card company idea!

10 choices. That’s it, just 10. You make your selection based on your stress level at time of purchase.

Level 1: These are the top tier. Professional photographs of perfectly dressed and smiling people. Probably in a meadow at sunset. The layout is perfect and festive yet understated, inspiring just the right amounts of awe and envy. I don’t really know why you’re buying these here when you clearly qualify to buy fancy cards from some other major conglomerate, but ok.

Level 2: Still a nice option, and brag-worthy. Cute layout and decorations. This offering is for amateur and/or candid family photographs and pleasantly written little blurbs about everyone. They say to people, we are proud yet humble.

Level 3: At this level, something must begin to be a little … off. Still cute and festive and attempting holiday cheer. Maybe the picture is slightly out of focus, or someone is not smiling/looking at the camera? But hey, it’s the only photo you have of the whole group together that year.

Level 4: By now, someone in the picture(s) should be crying, or the dog should be mid-bark. And not in an ironic and funny way. A picture taken as the camera falls sideways off the tripod is acceptable. There will also only be one small space for writing text, leaving everyone to wonder just what the what is happening and yet understanding perfectly.

Level 5: At this level, you still care enough to send a “together” card, but you have abandoned the photo card idea. This is the old boxed card set. With a glittered snowman on the front. At least Frosty’s facing forward and smiling, you can tell yourself. People used to previous years attempts at higher levels may see this as quiet quitting, but it’s not. The real mess is coming up.

Level 6: You go back to the photo card idea, but have decided to let. people. know! Something in the picture must be on fire. Maybe it’s the turkey, or the tree, maybe it’s your nerves. You do not care. You sent a card. There.

Level 7: This can be any of the previous levels, but at this stage we take the extra step to crumple up the card in a fit of holiday rage and then smooth it back out. There will also be a circle stain ring on the corner of each card, your choice of either wine or coffee.

Level 8: At this level, the wheels have well and truly come off! The only option here is an unsigned generic card that has singed edges, much like your mood. You are beyond frazzled but still care enough to make some sort of attempt, thus level 8. The giving up stage is next.

Level 9: This is a stock photo of someone else’s slipper-clad feet propped up on the couch and holiday decorations in the background. But it has been ripped and taped back together. For a nominal fee it can also include the previous level’s stains, burns, crumples or pet chew marks. It says to people, ‘I have given up and do not care if you care.’ Others may wonder what had gone on with your family this year and how much everyone has grown and changed. Let them wonder. They are not at level 9 and that mess is NOT for amateurs! They are lucky you had the where-with-all to send them anything!

Level 10: The final echelon! This is simply a 3 x 5 index card stuffed sideways into a mangled envelope. It is crumpled. It is stained. Maybe it’s burned or torn. Is that a random staple? Who gives a flip?! Not you! There are no holly leaves or gingerbread decals. The only greeting is the word “whatever.” typed in lower-case comic sans. (That’s right!) This level comes with a coupon for a spa day and a free therapy session.

Dear reader, whatever level you find yourself at during this season of whichever holiday(s) you choose to celebrate, my wish is truly that you have peace and joy and laughter and hope. Because right now we all need those so very desperately!